I was never a Packers fan. I didn’t dislike them, just didn’t really care much one way or the other. They were just another team. But somewhere in the early 90’s their identity changed. It was out with the old Packers of Vince Lombardi – farewell to the smashmouth teams of Ice Bowls past. There was a new sheriff in town.
Brett Favre was fun. He played the game in a reckless way that made it hard to root against him and always on the edge of your seat to see what he’d do next. The childlike enthusiasm and joy on his face when he won that early Super Bowl was contagious and when he popped up out of nowhere in “There’s Something About Mary” the national love affair was on.
I admit it. If I was busy doing something else with the TV on in the background and I heard the words “Brett Favre” on ESPN, I’d look up from whatever I was working on, grab the remote and bring up the volume with hope of seeing something amazing. Now when I hear the words “Brett Favre” I grab the remote to change the channel.
The last few years have been so ridiculous that I’ve almost completely lost the renegade gunslinger that captured my attention years ago… which is amazing considering that he may be coming off the best season of his career.
In the Spring of 2008, Brett Favre held that tearful press conference announcing that he was retiring. Hell, he was 38 years old and coming off a disappointing loss in the NFC Championship game so nobody blamed him, but he had really had a very solid year and it looked like this was one of those “go out on top” kind of guys. You have to respect that. Then he had a change of heart. The way the whole thing went down with the Packers was unfortunate. It’s hard to blame either side too much, really. He said he was done… Green Bay had a good young quarterback waiting in the wings… so he was sent to New York to lead the Jets. Ok. I can live with this. Brett looks a little silly for the flip-flop, but the guy still wants to play. I’m still wishing good things for him.
The Jets season was a nightmare. For the first time, he looked old. He led the league in interceptions, the Jets missed the playoffs… and Brett said “this time I’m really done.” I’m still on his side at this point. He gave it one more shot. Now he sails off into the sunest.
It was here that the wheels came off. As the ’09 season gets closer Favre announces he’s “thinking about” playing again. Really? This guy’s about as reliable as a ’77 Pinto. But the Vikings want him anyway and he says he’ll let them know by the start of their training camp. Training camp starts and the Vikings say “he’s staying retired.” Then he shows up a few weeks later (probably in a red cape) and leads the Vikings to the brink of the Super Bowl, having an inspired season. But it was hard for fans outside of the Twin Cities to enjoy it. He was marvelous last year. No doubt. This should be a time when we’re really rooting for him and looking forward to a new year with the possibility of winning it all one last time. But he made a joke of himself in ’09 and this year he thumbed his nose at us all and did it again.
As recently as two weeks ago we had heard that Brett was retiring again. Then he wasn’t. Now he’s back with the team and practicing as if he never left. But he did leave. And this year was the worst of them all. He wasn’t between teams. He was holding a franchise hostage. When it looked like Favre wasn’t coming back, the Vikings went from Vegas favorites to win the NFC to another team in the middle of the pack. You know why? Because no football team can afford to have two franchise quarterbacks. You either have Brett Favre or you don’t. If you do, great. If you don’t, you go spend a bunch of money to get the next one. But if you “might” have Brett Favre then you’re in big trouble if he doesn’t show up. So much so that a handful of Vikings flew to visit him last week just to get a frickin’ answer once and for all. What a great teammate Brett must be. Other players have to fly across the country to see him just to get an audience with his majesty.
There are different theories as to why he keeps doing this. I hear about injuries and how he is waiting for diagnoses before he commits. I hear that he’s just trying to avoid training camp, which seems like the most likely answer. Honestly, though, I don’t care. The “how” has been such a train wreck that the “why” isn’t even important. Maybe he loves the drama… maybe he’s just an attention hog. Lord knows, the media just eats it up with “Favre Watch” taking center stage. Has there been a time in the last year when you could turn on SportsCenter and NOT hear the names Tiger Woods, LeBron James or Brett Favre? It’s been a giant “who cares” carnival act with ESPN acting as the big media ringleader directing your attention from one freak show to the other.
If the conventional wisdom is correct and Favre is just trying to get out of training camp, then just say so! Would anyone REALLY have a huge problem with a guy of Brett Favre’s pedigree skipping the bulk of camp to keep the wear and tear off? Why does it have to be some back alley deal in a shroud of secrecy, lies and betrayal? Roger Clemens had it right. When the Astros wanted him to come back, he said, “ok, but I’m not going to Spring Training, I’ll join the team a month into the season and on certain road trips that are far from home, I’m just not going to go. Oh, and that’ll be 8 million dollars.” At least then the franchise got to make a decision on their terms. Here it is – take it or leave it. Brett Favre chooses a much more cowardly track. “But it’s my shoulder!” Oh shut up!
In an NFL world where guys just choose to ignore their contracts, pout on the sidelines and demand more money I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by any of this… but there was a time when Brett Favre seemed to remind us of what was good with the game. In the end he’s just selfish – and the people it hurts the most (his teammates and fans) are the people to whom he’s supposed to be the most allegiant.
In “There’s Something About Mary” the question was a funny one. “What about Brett Fav-ruh?” It’s not funny anymore.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Ode de Toilet
From the amount of feedback I received from the travel nightmare story it’s clear that you people seem to revel in the misfortune of others. Well… you’re in luck. This also happened in the past month and would make a wonderful scene in a movie (or perhaps “America’s Funniest Home Videos.”)
It was 6:45am and I was stumbling through my morning. You know how it is – you’re awake, but not really AWAKE. I went into our half bath… still a little groggy… and stood in front of the toilet. We have a framed photo of some palm trees over the loo that we took on our Hawaiian honeymoon. On this particular morning, that photo looked just a little crooked. I reached up in my morning haze to adjust the frame on the wall and it slipped right off its hook and shot downward.
Now for some reason this toilet sits a little bit off the wall. JUST enough room, as it turns out, for a decorative projectile to fire through the gap. So in a split second, the photo slides down the wall and disappears behind the toilet heading for the floor. I tense up and brace for the breaking glass noise that is surely coming. We have hard wood floors in this bathroom and this can’t end well. Instead of a crash, however, I hear a thud and a hissing. PSHHHHHHH! A strange mist appears before me. It’s not until I feel my pajama pants clinging to my body that I realize what has happened.
The frame made a beeline for the toilet’s cold water supply line, catching it just right so as to pop it out from the underside of the tank and now water is rocketing out of this tube at an alarming rate. Like a tiny fire hose it is dousing my legs as I instantly reach down to turn off the water supply. This is a very small room. It’s a tight squeeze to get to the valve and this is also a knob that probably hasn’t been turned in 30 years. It’s stuck. Water is now plugging me in the shoulder and chest as I start to think, “do I need to go get a tool of some sort?” Keep in mind, all of this is happening in that early-morning “get used to the day” time. Gallons of cold water has a way of sobering you up in a hurry.
I decide in this moment that leaving the room to get ANYTHING is a bad idea and I am GOING to get this to stop. I dive onto the top of the toilet (belly on the seat) and reach over with both hands. My feet are leveraged against the wall and I give it everything I’ve got. The valve squeaks a bit and begins to turn. Within seconds the water is off and I am standing among the wreckage. Somehow the glass didn’t break, but the wood frame splintered apart and there is standing water in the bathroom that has started a small river into out into the main rooms.
Since it’s all hard wood I’m now getting a crash course in the topography of the back half of the house as this little tributary snakes its way across the family room, then forks. One stream moves toward the kitchen. The other creeps toward the mass of cords and power strips behind the TV/video game area. I think at this point I made an audible yelp of fear. I fly into the laundry room (splashing as I go) and grab every large towel I can find. I turn off the power strip that has been dampened and raise it onto a shelf. Disaster averted. The next several minutes are just towels sopping up water and me discovering new areas that have been corrupted – the game closet, the laundry room (did water actually make it in here on its own or is this a result of all the dripping off my soaked body when I fetched the towels?) Finally the spill appears to be contained and I gather up the soaking towels and hang them out on our back patio.
My wife was sick that morning and slept through this entire affair, so I quietly nudge her as I’m leaving for work. “Everything’s ok and the story is actually kind of funny, but don’t use the half bath. I’ll explain later.” She says she kind of forgot about it until she woke up and walked past the back patio. Apparently 9 full-sized bath towels dripping water got her attention.
The good news is that there was no major damage and the fix to the toilet was an easy one, but what a wakeup call! This is yet another reason that you really should have cameras set up everywhere. You never know when you’ll find yourself in the middle of an award-winning moment.
It was 6:45am and I was stumbling through my morning. You know how it is – you’re awake, but not really AWAKE. I went into our half bath… still a little groggy… and stood in front of the toilet. We have a framed photo of some palm trees over the loo that we took on our Hawaiian honeymoon. On this particular morning, that photo looked just a little crooked. I reached up in my morning haze to adjust the frame on the wall and it slipped right off its hook and shot downward.
Now for some reason this toilet sits a little bit off the wall. JUST enough room, as it turns out, for a decorative projectile to fire through the gap. So in a split second, the photo slides down the wall and disappears behind the toilet heading for the floor. I tense up and brace for the breaking glass noise that is surely coming. We have hard wood floors in this bathroom and this can’t end well. Instead of a crash, however, I hear a thud and a hissing. PSHHHHHHH! A strange mist appears before me. It’s not until I feel my pajama pants clinging to my body that I realize what has happened.
The frame made a beeline for the toilet’s cold water supply line, catching it just right so as to pop it out from the underside of the tank and now water is rocketing out of this tube at an alarming rate. Like a tiny fire hose it is dousing my legs as I instantly reach down to turn off the water supply. This is a very small room. It’s a tight squeeze to get to the valve and this is also a knob that probably hasn’t been turned in 30 years. It’s stuck. Water is now plugging me in the shoulder and chest as I start to think, “do I need to go get a tool of some sort?” Keep in mind, all of this is happening in that early-morning “get used to the day” time. Gallons of cold water has a way of sobering you up in a hurry.
I decide in this moment that leaving the room to get ANYTHING is a bad idea and I am GOING to get this to stop. I dive onto the top of the toilet (belly on the seat) and reach over with both hands. My feet are leveraged against the wall and I give it everything I’ve got. The valve squeaks a bit and begins to turn. Within seconds the water is off and I am standing among the wreckage. Somehow the glass didn’t break, but the wood frame splintered apart and there is standing water in the bathroom that has started a small river into out into the main rooms.
Since it’s all hard wood I’m now getting a crash course in the topography of the back half of the house as this little tributary snakes its way across the family room, then forks. One stream moves toward the kitchen. The other creeps toward the mass of cords and power strips behind the TV/video game area. I think at this point I made an audible yelp of fear. I fly into the laundry room (splashing as I go) and grab every large towel I can find. I turn off the power strip that has been dampened and raise it onto a shelf. Disaster averted. The next several minutes are just towels sopping up water and me discovering new areas that have been corrupted – the game closet, the laundry room (did water actually make it in here on its own or is this a result of all the dripping off my soaked body when I fetched the towels?) Finally the spill appears to be contained and I gather up the soaking towels and hang them out on our back patio.
My wife was sick that morning and slept through this entire affair, so I quietly nudge her as I’m leaving for work. “Everything’s ok and the story is actually kind of funny, but don’t use the half bath. I’ll explain later.” She says she kind of forgot about it until she woke up and walked past the back patio. Apparently 9 full-sized bath towels dripping water got her attention.
The good news is that there was no major damage and the fix to the toilet was an easy one, but what a wakeup call! This is yet another reason that you really should have cameras set up everywhere. You never know when you’ll find yourself in the middle of an award-winning moment.
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